


Star Wars: European Union --Episode I: Advent of Evil

by gregorianpeas



Category: Star Wars: European Union
Genre: (because they're in a galaxy far far away duh), Deliberate Badfic, True beauty, britannia rules the bike lanes, deliberately bad art, half these people aren't even in power anymore, hot stuff, there's no real reason Naboo can't receive the BBC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-20 05:41:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3638883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gregorianpeas/pseuds/gregorianpeas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thanks to mysterious authorial intervention, popular figures from the European Union have been transported across the stars! But what will they find exploring these new frontiers? Trade alliances, surprise buttsex or a place to call their own?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Star Wars: European Union --Episode I: Advent of Evil

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fireinthedark](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireinthedark/gifts).



> i have included helpful accurate diagrams for anyone who is not up to date on all the peoples in this adventure.

 

"It's Dave, actually," said David Cameron to the Ewok. "But not to worry, want to come a little closer? We could probably snatch a quick campaign photo right here."

His hands were trembling as he motioned it towards him. God, he was being too forward. What was it going to think of him? He needed to try and be more casual if he wanted the Ewoks to like him. And not just work him, the _real_ him.

Tentatively the Ewok moved in close enough for a hug. David opened his arms wide and embraced it fully, only quivering a little as he did. It was surprisingly soft and warm, like a human being trapped inside a small shag carpet. David told himself not to overthink it but it didn't matter, his brain still knew he was hugging an Ewok. A warm, beautiful Ewok.

Beneath its shawl it had the black beady eyes of a teddy bear but they shifted about with a restless intelligence. When the little button-like orbs settled on him, David could do nothing but swallow. The nerve endings in his feet started tingling just like they had the first time he'd met Samantha.

"No!" he yelled, pushing the Ewok away from him and standing back up.

He wasn't ready yet.

 

\----

 

On another planet, only half a galaxy away, Angela Merkel summoned one of her aides with a short nod.

"Bring me a fußballer," she said smartly, adjusting the hood of her dark cape. "And make it an attractive one."

It had been three hours since their telephone booth cum space travel device had landed on the planet Naboo and things were going well. There was one tight minuten when she and the mannschaft had first spilled out of the little blue box, but once she'd mentioned she was a chancellor, the attentive Herr Palpatine had made sure they were all accommodated comfortably. He'd even gifted her the impressive cloak that settled so comfortably around her shoulders, albeit after muttering something about a rule of two.

The lightsaber had cost her Philip Lahm and Bastian Schweinsteiger but she was sure they were going to good homes with lots of wide open spaces. 

"Find out how many of them it'll take to get me a spaceship," she said to Franz as he hovered attentively. "But something with good thrusters. We can't end up stuck on some backwater moon when the rest of Europe are out there somewhere, spending irresponsibly."

 

\----

 

A few trillion steps away, Boris Johnson was spending irresponsibly.

"Big thumbs up from me," he said to the small children, his fringe wobbling in excitement. The spaceships were so shiny he could barely cope.

"Goodbye Boris Bikes, hello Boris Starbombers, nyyyyoooowww, boom. Take that Miliband!"

They all ran around him laughing as he pretended to be a spaceship heading for Labour HQ.

"Golly, this is great. London is going to love this."

"Mr Johnson," said one of his killjoy compatriots. "Are sure we can put spaceship purchases under travel expenses?"

"Oh god, yes," he said, waving his hands in their silly faces. Honestly, he didn't know why they had even bothered coming if they weren't going to get into the spirit of things. "Look, the commute to the House of Commons from here is flipping miles! It's bloody cost-effective for the party to have our own fleet of personal spaceships with really big guns. Cripes, you have to shit on everything, don't you?"

 

 

\---

 

Deep in a forest further still away, Carla Bruni knelt in the dirt and examined the tracks leading towards the cave.

The last she'd seen of Nicolas was his derrière, thrown over the shoulder of a Wookiee. He was still yelling something about abominable thugs as they'd carted him away because, honestly, he was a très silly man sometimes.

With a sigh she turned back to Berlusconi, who was trying to peek up the skirt of one of the rebels. 

"Silvio!" she said, kicking him where it hurt. "Stop doing that, do you want to displease your mama?"

Falling to the ground, the man clutched his genitalia as he writhed about in pain. 

Carla rolled her eyes and motioned to Hollande and Renzi. They were neither of them Nicolas by any stretch of the imagination, but at least she hadn't had to put them in nappies and tell them they'd been naughty boys to move things along.

Unslinging her blaster rifle, she used it to gesture at the cave. 

"Pincer movement, ranks of three, take no prisoners!"

She would take on the whole of Kashyyyk if she had to. It may have been that Nicolas was a très silly man, but he was her très silly man, and soon everyone would know what that meant.

 

\--

 

Meanwhile back on Endor...

Creeping along a wooden pathway, fifty feet up from the ground, David shivered in the cold night air. He'd lasted as long as he could in his lonely tree hut, but it was impossible to sleep knowing the Ewoks were all around him. The sweet, beautiful Ewoks.

If the press ever found out what he was doing, he'd been thrown out of office immediately but even knowing that wasn't enough to stop him.

He could still feel the phantom touch of fur beneath his fingers, still see the carnal need in that Ewok's little beady eyes.

It had to be tonight. A lifetime's dream. A moment's surrender. If he couldn't finally be with an Ewok the way he was meant to, life wasn't worth living any more.

Somehow he'd find a way to explain it so the British public would understand. Then Sam and the children could move to Endor, join the local school. They could make a new, bigger family. One with more fur! 

 

\---

 

Far away on Naboo, Angela stared across the table at Herr Palpatine with little amusement. 

"What do you mean our first task is to develop a new business idea and pitch it to the market?"

"Oh, Chancellor Merkel," Palpatine said silkily, rubbing his hands together. "Did you think it would be so easy to become my apprentice? That you could just put on the cloak and we would rule the galaxy forever? No, my dear. Nein. You must compete for such an honour. Play the game or you will find that you have been excused!"

Angela waited patiently for clarity to form. In its absence, Franz ducked out from where he was lying under the table at her feet and whispered in her ear.

"Reality television, chancellor. It seems our host is a big fan."

The ever-present roaring noise in Angela's ears magnified until she was sure she could hear bears somewhere screaming out their fury. Her fingers crept towards the lightsaber clipped at her waist but then a better plan formed in her mind.

"So be it," she said, pulling out her chair and motioning to her team. "Come my little fußball friends. We have a - dance troupe for you to form."

She had seen Magic Mike. She would make the space money rain.

 

 

\--

 

On-top of a large spaceship, heading for Labour HQ, Boris was having second thoughts.

"I say, is this going to kill me?" he asked nobody, because nobody else had thought it funny to strap themselves to the outside of the vehicle.

"Jolly good then, blaze of glory. Going out like a legend. Crazy old Boris, right to the end!"

He thrust his fist forward in frivolous abandon, then paused.

"Actually stop. I don't like this any more and London wouldn't approve."

 

\--

 

Heavily engaged on dense Kashyyyk, Carla thrust her pocket knife into the stomach of the Wookiee, then flipped it over with a strength that seemed to come from nowhere. It was only when she looked around for her next opponent that she realised there were none left. Around her the corpses were piled five high.

She raised her delicate hands only to see them covered in the blood of many enemies. It pooled in her palms like a lake of innocent life-force and dripped off the end of her nails like a waterfall of death.

With a shrug, she daubed her cheeks with the red mess and slicked back her hair with what was left.

"What do we say?" she yelled at her troops.

"Kill kill kill," they yelled back.

"Forza Italia!" Berlusconi added from his pushchair until Renzi moved promptly to shove him over. 

"Find me Nicolas or feel my wrath!"

With a roar, the assorted rebels and Franco-Italian politicoes rushed forward as one.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how this ends so I don't see why you should either.
> 
> However, I now nominate somebody else to write Star Wars: EU -- A New Pope


End file.
